There was a point, between the end of a passionate relationship and the turning of the calendar to the pages of a new millennium, (and also before my discovery of the then small but present realm of TG Captions and Fiction, though having found a goodly amount of explicitly depicted TGurlz), that I was seriously beginning to look into the possibility of engaging some one to facilitate the realization of my desire to experience womanhood. (which is to say that, I was looking at sites for alternative forms of relationship, hoping to arrive at an avenue by which to enter into gender-transition, having neither the financial means nor the 'stones' to present the woman I would be to a rural populace steeped in the traditional conventions of what defines a man or a woman or a butch or a sissy*.)
Not having abode in the area for long, since I had left the home of my youth with friends who offered the option of traveling with them to a region previously unknown to me, I had few acquaintances in the area. And, as my heart was heavy and rent by the abrupt end of a too-short-lived (i.m.o.) relationship, my lot seemed to be one of romantic solitude for the foreseeable future. So, I kept to myself for the most part and helped where I could.
Through whatever set of circumstances led me through that door, ( I'll not detail them here), I found myself in a small church-building on a Wednesday evening. I was walking toward the exit when the man behind the podium on the dais spoke something that caught my ear, so I slowed, and sat, -far from the several who gathered there regularly, so as to avoid direct interactions- and listened to what was being said. The term, "agnostic" had been used and, as that was how I defined whatever belief I had in things greater than myself and beyond this world up to that point in my life, his use of it took a hold of my thoughts and, ever one to hear varying perspective on the world, I listened.
Of course, the small gathering of regulars being... well... small, the greater evidence of a stranger sitting afar off from the group. Go figure.! So, my name was inquired of by the man on the dais, and I did answer his questions, (not all of which can I now recall), and welcome was extended me by all those gathered there at the conclusion of the gathering. I'll leave these events thus, for now.
Except to observe that, in the loss felt by my heart at that juncture in time and with the avenue I was seeking to fill that loss with, somehow, an other path was presented to me. While I look now from the perspective of retrospect, I looked then toward an uncertainty of outcomes and saw a lack of purpose.
But for the footnote below, I'll conclude this installment of my actual experiences and perceptions.
* 'sissy' (?) I am even a bit mystified at the use of the term, especially in the realm of TG- Fic/Cap-tion. I mean, growing up during the 70's-80's in different, then rural, location, I was often set upon by the rednecks of that area, physically and emotionally bullied under the title of "sissy" simply for being the new kid and not engaging in belligerent or athletic pursuits, like American football or riding beasts of burden in pointless displays of ones machismo (stupidity?) and fearlessness (disregard for personal safety?), while not displaying, as far as I recall, any discernible traits that one would associate with femininity or homosexuality.
Yet, rife in some of the popular niches of TG-Fic/Cap-tion, is the frequent application of the term in a derisive and subjugating manner! While I do understand the enjoyment of some to be dominated and coerced into performing acts contrary to the 'traditional roles of gender' (only under the auspices of consenting adults), I find it somewhat troubling to consider that such a community, supportive and encouraging of those blessed with the means and gumption to right the wrongness of their birth, as seeming to foster the same intolerance heaped upon our kindred by those with no understanding and even fear of what we might bring or represent.
What am I missing?
If a macho jock finds satisfaction in the forced cross-dressing of a weaker person and the coercion of that weaker to perform fellatio and be the receiver of sodomic intercourse while being belittled and derided as a cock-sucker and a sissy... I feel compelled to ask; Which one is the sissy?! Am I the only one to whom it seems remarkably more 'gay' to burst your nut from having a guy suck you off or bang his backside, than to be the one trying to avoid more lasting or potentially fatal abuse at the hands of an aggressor bent on satisfying his own, homo-erotic urges?
Really! To me, the greater sissy is the one who ejaculates at the mouth/anus of the man beneath him. For he admits to neither his crones nor himself that he would ever find a man sexually attractive while belying his masculine superiority in the throes of male-generated orgasmic bliss.
Or is it just me who sees some incongruity here? I don't know, it's just an observation that keeps cropping-up in my bent little brain.